I don't want to go on about the details of when he died, I have spent the last ten years dwelling on that. This post is about today and how I spent the anniversary.
This morning I updated my status on Facebook: 'Thinking about my dad Phil, who died ten years ago today. Time whizzes by so quickly and so many things have happened in the past 10 years that my dad has missed. Carpe Diem. But I like to think that those who have gone never really go as long as we remember them. x'
As I wrote it, I knew my sister would not be impressed. She doesn't think it's right that people share their innermost thoughts or personal 'things' on Facebook. I wondered if I was doing the right thing and why I felt compelled to write something on FB. I really wasn't doing it for attention as some might think, I did it to remind my FB friends, many who knew my Dad, that ten years had passed and I wanted him to be remembered. At the time of writing this post, 21 friends and relatives have 'liked' my status and/or written a kind comment and I feel content that many have thought of him today, who might not have, were it not for my status.
Today was a lovely, mild, autumnal day and I felt compelled to go to the village I grew up in, buy some flowers and pay my respects to my Dad.
Now my other half, 'the accountant' isn't that keen on spending a precious day off walking round Uppermill (a village in Saddleworth) and visiting graves. I convinced him by throwing brunch in and he was sold!
After a lovely brunch at our local farm shop 'Albion Farm' in Delph (pictures to follow in a later post), we set off on a short walk with the dog.
although I never really appreciated that as a teenager. Oddly enough my Baba mentioned just the other day that she would love to live in Uppermill. I wish we could afford to but it's a very desirable area and the house prices reflect that.
|The Accountant in the park|
|Encouraging the dog to cross|
As we walked we didn't talk much and I spent a lot of time thinking about my Dad and all the things that have happened over the past ten years. I think my wedding day is the day I missed him most. But I did have my Dad in my life for almost thirty years and I know how lucky I am to have had him for that long.
We finished our 'day out' by taking some flowers to the grave. The accountant doesn't know why I feel the need to do this, he says he remembers his dad in his head and doesn't need to go to a grave. I understand what he means but going to my Dads grave gives me a special place to think about my Dad without distraction. It's a beautiful place (if you know what I mean). High up on a hillside, full of trees and wind chimes that people have hung in the trees and there are benches which look out across the valley, not to mention all the lovely plants and flowers. Although it's obviously a very sad place it is also peaceful and beautiful.
Today has been emotional to say the least, a friend on FB who lost her brother last year asked the other day 'When does this grieving process end?' My reply was ' It does get a little easier with time. It's 10 years ago tomorrow since I lost my dad and it still hurts, but not as badly. I'm sure that people we love never completely go away. They are always with us in some way'
I don't think the grieving process ever ends, it just changes, from a harsh physical pain and other emotions such as anger, that you think will never go away, to a lesser pain or hurt, maybe a sense of loss or longing to see that person again.
I think I will grieve for my Dad for as long as I live, then when I go, I know I'll be with him again. But I really think that as long as our loved ones are remembered they will always be with us.